Sex under the influence
Having sex while under the influence may seem like an easy shortcut to lasting longer.
If you’re suffering from something like premature ejaculation, or even just run-of-the-mill performance anxiety, sex can often start to feel like a bit of a minefield.
For this reason, many men find themselves dabbling with drugs and alcohol when searching for confidence. They can create a sense a false sense of assuredness we may otherwise lack. However it’s not a long-term solution — being under the influence is bad news for your sex life.
Some men drink or use drugs deliberately in a bid to extend their climax — being drunk or high will effectively numb your body physically and mentally, delaying or even preventing an orgasm. But choosing to opt out of mindful, present sexual experiences mean you’ll miss out on some of the best sex you’ll ever have.
Vanessa Muradian, sex expert and founder of Mia Muse, says that it’s no coincidence some men choose to only have sex under the influence. “When we cockblock ourselves [with drugs or alcohol], we’re essentially choosing to disconnect,” she says.
We’ve unpacked some of the most important myths around doing it under the influence, as well as some pretty convincing arguments on why you should be doing it sober.
Myth: You’re a better lover when you’re drunk or high
According to who? Just like drink driving or drunken tattoos, having sex under the influence seems like a great idea at the time — but your judgement is likely to be impaired. You might be remembering the highlights reel of bras being ripped off, passionate moaning, and a fantastic orgasm, but the truth may be be a little different.
The matter of consent is a big issue when you’re drunk or high, as you could miss important non-verbal cues, such as them tensing up or pulling away. Not everyone has the confidence or ability to say, “I don’t want to” or “I’ve changed my mind”, so you really want to be fully alert to their body language during any sexual encounter.
Myth: Who cares if you’re drunk? You’ll last longer, and that’s all that matters
Sex and relationships expert Megan Luscombe says that it’s a massive misconception that drunk sex is better because it means longer lasting sex.
“Drugs and alcohol may help men last longer,” she says, “but it can also make them completely sloppy, selfish and downright arrogant when it comes to the bedroom.”
Think about some of your behaviour when you’ve had a few too many — yelling at your friends? Stumbling on the footpath? Falling asleep in a box of chicken nuggets? You’re not always the perfect gentleman after a night on the town, so don’t bring that behaviour into the bedroom. It’s a case of respect: if your attitude would bring down your Uber rating, it isn’t going to impress your partner.
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Myth: You won’t be able to do it sober
If you allow drugs and alcohol to become your crutch to having confident, longer lasting sex, you run the risk of creating a real issue in your mind about having sex sober. The negative cycle doesn’t take much to establish — you might feel the cue to drink or do drugs whenever it seems sex is on the cards, therefore creating more and more stress about how you’ll ever enjoy it sober.
Dig deep about what exactly it is you’re lacking confidence in. Are you worried you won’t be able to meet their expectations? Are you struggling with premature ejaculation? Are you afraid you don’t seem experienced enough?
Once you identify your fears, it’s time to tackle them head on. Some men will find it helpful to speak to a sex counsellor or doctor, others might prefer to do their own incognito mode research online. Trying to avoid or dampen deeply-held fears around sex doesn’t make them go away — it just puts off the inevitable.
Myth: It’ll only happen once
Finding a band-aid solution can provide temporary relief but can also establish bad habits. If you found once, by accident, that you felt better when having sex under the influence, it could for some become your go-to in the bedroom.
Worse still, it can become the established routine with your partner, a dangerous place to find yourself in, says Megan.
“Couples that only have sex when under the influence of drugs and alcohol can also lose their sexual chemistry when sober, which can create tension and distance in their relationship,” she says, pointing out that it can also encourage ongoing drug or alcohol dependency.
Sex and drugs are a dangerous combination. Drugs are addictive, and can have devastating consequences. They can ruin your physical and mental health, cause stress and anxiety, and leave many users feeling hopeless and full of regret the next day. If you are experiencing issues with alcohol and drug use, speak to a trusted friend about your situation and take the time to find a professional your trust to talk about what you can do about it. Opening up is an important first step.
None of these negative experiences should be connected to sex. Sex is fun, healthy, and a positive experience for mind and body. Keep them separate, and you’ll avoid attaching unhealthy emotions towards having sex.
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